We all have that annoying friend that points out all of our flaws. I’m not referring to an actual person, but instead the voice in our own head that tells us that we aren’t enough. This voice might speak out before a job interview telling you that you’re not experienced enough, or it might come out when you’re casually scrolling away, telling you that you will never be as pretty, thin, or happy as the women you’re seeing on the screen.

Insecurity is a normal part of life but it can be dangerous if it gets out of control. I have a friend that is always criticizing other women. If we’re out at dinner she might comment on what someone is wearing or make a joke about the overweight person that asks for the dessert menu. The comments are hurtful, but they seem to originate from a place a little more mysterious than hate. I’ve noticed that the less confident my friend is, the more she lashes out. It’s like she’s trying deflect any negative attention from herself by directing negativity toward someone else. The truth is, if she would just relax, we all, including her, would have a much better time at dinner.

Insecurity shows up differently in different people. Some people, like my friend, lash out. Others become introverted and think their opinions aren’t worth being heard. I’ve noticed that some men often become more aggressive or “macho” when they’re feeling insecure. Some women I know have a story about their husbands becoming angry when they get jealous (even if the wife has done nothing to prompt it). Like my friend at the dinner scene, a man’s bad behavior can be coming from their own lack of confidence that they’re not willing or able to communicate.

When you break it down, insecurity comes from a place of fear. At times, we can fear that we’re not good enough or likable. You can be confident in one area of your life – like your love life – but be incredibly insecure in the workplace. Or maybe you are generally a secure person, but you get uneasy when others’ attention is on that one feature that you always try to conceal. Some of these fears are real and some we perceive to be more significant than they are. But either way, they affect us negatively.

Whenever insecurity rears its head in my life, there are a few things I try to do. First, and I think most importantly, I stop myself from comparing myself to others. In business, there will always be people who are more successful or who started their enterprise before me. I would drive myself crazy if I continuously compared myself to them. There is no reason to base your own self-worth on other people. Life is not a race and your friends are not your competition.

After that, I take a moment to accept myself. I know this might sound cheesy, but it is imperative. I take a deep breath and remember that I am doing my best –  and that my best is good enough. Over the years, all these negative thoughts can build up in our heads until we actually believe them. When one of those self-limiting thoughts pop into my head, I take a moment to address it. I remind myself that, contrary to the story playing in my head, I will succeed because I am capable and I work hard. Thinking this way didn’t come easy at first but I kept trying. Now, reminding myself of my gifts, talents, and good qualities, helps keep my insecurity at bay.

Lastly, “fake it ‘til you make it.” With this, I am not encouraging you to be someone you’re not. Presenting an inauthentic version of yourself hurts both yourself and others.  What I mean is to try to push past your insecure inner dialogue, even if you don’t feel like the poster-child for self-confidence. If I’m feeling insecure about something I put on a brave face. I’ve learned that the thing you’re so worried about may be something that no one else notices. So when I’m in a situation where I’m nervous, like showing someone a project I’ve been working on, I play it cool and confident. And I find that if I present confidence, people feed off of that energy and respond positively.

You can’t be confident all the time but always remember that you are enough.

The most important compliments we get are the ones we get from ourself.