Sometimes it seems like the happy ending will never come.

As a part of my regular schedule, I have a recurring hiking session with one of my good friends.  I always enjoy these get-togethers because I love the adventure of the outdoors, but also because with him friendship comes easy.  He’s like a brother to me and we have so much in common that we never run out of things to talk about.  But the one downside to these sessions is that, without fail, he will inevitably bring up problems he’s having with his mother.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s almost a requirement for friends like us to talk about family issues.  But this topic dominates our time every time we get together. He has been complaining about his mother for years.  It is clear to me and everyone around him that their relationship is toxic. They have never seen eye-to-eye and as he gets older the rift continues to grow.  There is so much resentment and history between them that it doesn’t seem like they are ever going to be able to resolve their issues.

My friend is holding a grudge.  And I don’t judge him for this. We’ve all been in situations where we’ve been wronged.  And sometimes the hurt runs deep.  I’ve been there, and I know that it’s hard to get over it.  When you’re hurt and angry the last thing you want to do is forgive the person that hurt you.  Holding a grudge can seem like it feels good.  But if you’re honest with yourself, grudges are quite silly.  Are you really getting back at them by not forgiving them?  You are the one that still thinks about it and are hurt by it.  

There’s an old saying that states, “Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”  At the end of the day you’re the one that’s being affected the most.

Studies have shown that when you forgive someone that has hurt you, you are able to have healthier relationships with others, raise your self-esteem, and even lower blood pressure.  Studies like that are enlightening.  But they also shed light on the opposite: if you hold grudges and are steeped in bitterness, it could have hidden but damaging effects on your life and well-being.  My friend didn’t think his relationship with his mother affected any other area of his life, but the people around him knew differently.  He was trapped and couldn’t live in the moment.  He related each one of his past and current experiences to something that his mother did or said.

Forgiveness isn’t easy.  Sometimes it feels like the toughest thing in the world to do. But like most things worth doing, it takes effort and being honest with yourself.

My friend has a hard decision to make.  If he doesn’t reconcile with his mother, he’ll be miserable for the rest of his life.  But if he is going to continue to go to family events and be involved with his mother in any gratifying way, he is going to have to forgive her.  If he does, it could unlock the connection he’s always wanted with his mom.

We can all grow in our compassion and empathy.  In our lives, we all have a relationship or two that needs tending and maybe some reconciliation.  Can you think of one in your life?